The Plan.

Mar. 13th, 2011 12:20 pm
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Oh my goodness. Life is getting ready to change.

I start work tomorrow. This is scary.
I have to be there for mom's recovery after surgery...
Then an actual two days later...

This is my life, bits of good counter-balanced by some bad.
The balance of shadow and light. Sounds like fate to me.

Bunch of us are getting together tomorrow evening at the 99 to celebrate.
Or mourn as the case may be.

Worried about mom. I hope she comes out ok. Talk about making the first day nervous.

Car has been acting up, sputtering and such.
Glad Steve is coming to dinner. I'll get him to look at it afterward :D (Hi steve, I know you read this)
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Talked to Nate, kind of flirted. Think i fixed things, but not sure. He's out of town for business for a week, so we are getting back after I get off of work on Wednesday.

Who would have thought I would be saying that.. "When I get off work"

In sadder news, mom's having some effects from the chemo already. She's having trouble eating. This is distressing. I had some herbal suggestions for helping with that, but she seemed to take offense and got off the phone quickly.

I was just trying to help......
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I think the reason I've made such money is because I've consequently been shuffling designs, and I've had repeat customers..

When I cut back for this supposed "Real Job", I expect I will lose the repeat folks. Not sure what to do about this.

Two weeks almost.. Wow.

Heard from mom again, she's been researching things on the internet. I could post the details she gave me, but that would just be depressing. She's very excited that she will be losing weight.. but sad she hasn't lost any weight yet... She was acting as if it were a fashion thing. I could hardly believe it. I had to make up an excuse and get off the phone...

It's admirable how one can be looking toward their own death, and not cave or collapse. She doesn't sound like an optimist... She's not talking about beating it. She's been on chemo, for a few days, and things are early yet, she goes in for surgery on the 14th of next month to remove some from her lung... Goddess... And that's same day I start work.

I promised I would meet her after work.

She says that she's glad to have me in her life, and that I am a source of strength for her.
Flattering, no less... But way to put on some pressure on a girl.

I wish there were more I could do...


Feb. 20th, 2011 02:50 pm
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So, I've made enough money off the crafties over the past year.

I'm told that I should have been keeping back money for taxes?!?

Uh... help.

So yeah..

Feb. 15th, 2011 04:25 pm
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Talked to steve, he said that nate might have thought he went over the line or something, and that's it. And since I gave him NO feedback...

Sigh, so yeah my fault overall, typical. I'll have to crawl under a rock.

Perhaps i shall get the guts to talk to him.. Perhaps I'll work hiding under a rock.

Talked to mom again, so they say she has six months. That's so bizarre. To know when your life will approximately end. I know that we have a lot of differences. But it's a painful wasting death.

Not sure that I would want to go like that, and I'm not really sure I can bear to watch her go like that. Goddess Bless... I guess that's the hardest part, knowing the pain and agony. Or the drugged out haze. Sure she'll be gone, and move on to her next life, but really....

I'm being selfish with that thought...

Not only does fate hate me, but it hates my family too.

At least I get to start a new job soon. I wonder how fate is going to screw me here as well.


Feb. 13th, 2011 11:45 am
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Went to dinner on thursday. Played some silly games together.. Talked a bunch, but perhaps not as much as I would have normally talked to some one.

He did flirt, and he kissed me, several times. Even made comments about inviting me back to his place...

And it's been two days since I have heard a single word from him.

Not a Single Word. He's seen me online. Of course, this begs the question why haven't I contacted him....

Still. Nothing. WTH. Tomorrow is valentines. Perhaps I shall get a crossbow, paint some quarrels pink with hearts on them, and go on a mass murder spree. Ok, I won't do that for real.. But sometimes people make me hate our species.

Perhaps I shall get a cat after all.
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That went surprisingly well I think, I'm slightly confused. But more later! bed now.

No change

Feb. 7th, 2011 08:53 pm
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No change in her status. She seems so normal, almost cheerful.

She's very happy i'm starting the new job, and she seems to be overly encouraging me to close down the etsy store.

I can't do that. Ignoring the wasted money on supplies (the only argument she listens to), creating things is one of my greatest loves. I can't give up everything for her. But at the same time..

I feel an obligation...

That depresses me even more. I am reducing the number of available items on the store so I have time for this supposed "Real Job".

Date with Nate this thursday, have no idea why i said yes. Likely end in disaster.
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Happy new year, it's Imbolic.

I really do hope things start looking up. Rebirth, the start of spring.

I've talked to mom most days, it's difficult to talk to her, but it she goes on..
I've been working on a few rituals, sending energy her way.. But, my heart doesn't feel in it.
So the idea that it would even help seems low.

I'll just hold onto hope things get better.
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Back home...

Eight months. That's what they are saying.

All the pain, heartache she has given me, and all the flack..

Oh yeah, I got the job. Not really sure I should be happy or not.
She was happy... I set a far out start date, March 15.

I want to get some peace between us before she goes...
Goddess, before she goes....

I can't believe i'm thinking like this. I'm too young for this.


Jan. 21st, 2011 12:27 pm
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So, that interview failed completely. I think they don't hire you if you break down crying in the middle of stuff.

Driving up tomorrow to see mom.

I wish I knew why she didn't tell me. I wish the prognosis were better..
What could get worse..

I already got flamed for some of my jewelry..

I have an email from the tech firm, I'm scared to open it, i'm sure it's a rejection and I can't take that right now..


Jan. 20th, 2011 08:24 pm
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she contacted me... she's been in the hospital.

she's got pancreatic cancer...

two months at best...

crashing down...

no idea what to say..
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Okay, been a couple weeks since I have talked to my mother. Perhaps I should visit and see if she's not dead on the floor or something....

Hah. It has been kind of peaceful, I dunno, i started the job hunt because of her, and seem to have kept up on my own for me. I guess people change, perhaps. Perhaps it's just the success. Perhaps it's my positive energy work, perhaps the world will come crashing down upon me.

Probably the latter....


Jan. 8th, 2011 08:16 pm
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That went rather well! Was a tech office, so there was nothing about a dress code, everyone seemed liberal and cool. Of course, there were several guys who seem to have failed to wash for a few weeks. And the lack of shoes.

I guess you get the good with the bad.

Hopefully they'll call back..

Tried to call mom today, and couldn't get ahold of her. Unusual, i'd almost think that she is avoiding my calls.

Been busy sending out orders, people seem to be ordering a lot due to the waltham steampunk thing. Go go steampunks, as I always say..

Will call mom tomorrow.
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So, I was supposed to call mom.. And I forgot... Hangovers will do that, but I want to wait so I can tell her the good news..

Two Phone Interviews up coming! Yes yes, and they are promising. One is for an office manager at this tech company. Looks like a really good thing.

Perhaps mom will be happy that I am actually somewhat interested in this..

Of course if I get this, I have to scale back on the crafties, and I love them so.

Tomorrow, Tree Time to clear my head, Interview, Mom Call.


Jan. 1st, 2011 02:46 pm
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I'm told I got kissed... Rather, I'm told I tossed myself at someone..

I wish I remembered it, or who it was. Why do I have a heart drawn on my hand with sharpie?

Note to self: don't get drunk.

And I'm supposed to call mom this afternoon. I am going to have a nap.

New years!

Dec. 31st, 2010 12:36 am
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So this month, I spent more than I made. Even with the extra sales. WTF.

I guess that is bound to happen... I need to remember, when making gifts for people, the materials weren't free, if they don't get sold, it's a loss. Easy thing to forget, I suppose.

Tonight is the new years eve party!

I expect I shall get drunk. One bottle of absinthe, and one bottle of rum. I have my sugar cubes, and little silver spoon. *cackles with glee* Perhaps, I shall get kissed. I'll have to get some people drunk first I suppose. *sigh*

Not going to let that get me down.
May 2011 be the year of prosperity and happiness for you all!
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So today is commercial-mas, and I gave my mother her obligatory phone call.
Once again, she was surprisingly pleasant. A lot less stressed. We actually got along.

See, once again, the workings, do work!

I did send out some gifts to friends, as they tend to enjoy getting gifts (who doesn't)
Everyone seemed to like the things I gave them.

Also, A VERY SCARY SOLSTICE. Best. Album. Evar! Go get it now.
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Happy Solstice everyone!

We are halfway through the dark!

Sales of the crafties are all going well. I have TWO phone interviews coming up next week.

I have a new coat, and I even called my mother!
She was /pleasant/ to me! Maybe a bit distant, but pleasant nonetheless.

All that positive energy work I've been doing must be paying off.

Off to prepare for the ritual!


Dec. 17th, 2010 12:16 am
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Yeah, I died tonight. Keith did give me fair warning, I swear, but I couldn't help but think Kalandra would take the shot. She did, and got smacked for like 140 points of damage. Dead-Dead. Kind of brought the game to a screeching halt.

I think he's going to start up some sort of quest to bring me back to life, not sure. At least I get to roleplay her pets while the rest of the guys carry my body around.

Keith was tossing about ideas for alternate games.. He has this dumb idea that there should be a game, where we each play ourselves, and are transported into a fantasy land. I laughed, that was TOTALLY done in "The Guardians of the Flame" - how non-original, I don't think I'd ever play in a game like that.

Let's see, what else happened. Sales are increasing! It's christmas time!
THe most, money-ful time..... of the year....... *sings*
I made some christmas themed stuff. Sells reasonably well. I think I put in a good 6 or so hours a day making jewelry at this point, it's a lot.. And an hour a week fooling with the web. I almost make minimum wage! Commercialism yay. Or something.

Speaking of which, SOLSTICE IS COMING.

Sent in two more job applications this week. I think, I shall call mother on christmas, and be pleasant and kind to her. Hopefully she will be happy.


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March 2011

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